Saturday, July 17, 2010
So we've begun to try but army life does not make it any easier. Training is so unpredictable accompanied by having my husband leave for weeks to other states to do "army things". I hate it, I absolutely hate it but there is nothing I can do about it and the hurt continues on. My husband doesn't understand how much it hurts. In his mind he is doing all of this work to ensure we stay in a non-deployable unit which is what I want but in the same token time is going by... another year is soon coming to an end making it 2 years since we lost Jacob with no signs of a baby. I thought I was pregnant in May just to be shattered a few days later. June did not give us an opportunity to try since he was gone and now mid July appears to be giving me disappointing news. I was due to start my monthly experience on the 9th... it's now the 17th and nothing yet so my spirits were up but something called a pregnancy test has squashed my hope looking at the BIG Negative sign. I feel so frustrated today and very dissapointed... I've cried alone in the dark twice and I may cry a couple more times until I can't cry anymore
After my husband returned from deployment we came up on orders to move further South. Most people would think this move would be great to start all over and leave a part of the painful past but all I heard was "this means we need to put baby on hold" and it was tough for me. I may sound obsessive and I admit I have been but my justification was me turning 35 soon. I have already been placed on the "high risk pregnancy" due to having an incompetent cervix and now I'm even higher on the list for turning 35. I also realized that I would have to take time off work once I got pregnant to decreased stress and the possibility of another miscarriage which translated meant we needed to save money before we started trying again. I knew logically all of this was for the best for me and baby but emotionally it hurt because more than 1 year after losing Jacob we were still not anywhere closer to having another baby. This meant having to wait at least 3 months after starting work before beginning to try... to be that was an eternity and it hurt
After losing baby Jacob my world collapsed... mostly within my soul. I tried to show how strong I was from the outside but deep down inside I was dying. Although the army let my husband stay behind, he deployed a few weeks later and so I was there left alone full of sadness. Friends and family offered their support and condolescents but nothing they said made me feel better because in my eyes no one knew how I felt. I longed to be able to try again for baby but with my husband gone that was impossible so the weeks and months continued with minimal relief. So many unswered questions loomed and it made me angry. I was angry at the thought that there existed mothers out there who were pregnant and did not want to be, mother's out there that were giving up their baby for adoption and mother's out there that were abusing drugs with full knowledge of being pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant and I couldn't be... I felt I was attempting to heal alone and it was not working, nothing was working
July 29th 2008 was one of the happiest day of my life. I found out I was pregnant. We had not truly been trying but we welcomed the news as if we had. The first 12 weeks I was so nervous because that time frame has always been considered very critical in the potential of making it to full term or having a miscarriage. Once I reached 14 weeks I was able to breath easier with less apprehension. Also during that time preparations for our baby moved forward full speed. My husband was schedule to deploy in Dec so he did all he could to finish the baby nursery. How beautiful it was... our theme was Classic winnie the pooh and ironically we found a beautiful light green paint called "christopher robin". My 17 week appointment came. It was a very important one because it was then we would find out if we were going to have a boy or a girl. It was that day we found out we would be naming our baby Jacob. Although it all started with joy, hope and laughter it did not end that way. On Nov 10th 2008 we lost our precious baby boy Jacob. The technical term was "incompetent cervix" in our world it was plain devastation. Even though 1 1/2 years have gone by, the thought of me losing Jacob always brings pain to my heart... And so this is how my journey for baby started....